new year's / remembered this account exists

[maritimo]

 Today I was on Instagram and watched a friend of a friend's stories about how she spent 2023. She discussed academic accomplishments, friendships and other things, but she touched on screen time towards the end and that send me spiriling lol so I felt like coming back to this blog and saying some things!

2023 was good, but I didn't do much. I spent most of my year just being a girlfriend, I saw friends but it wasn't enough, and I can't say for certain that I made new connections to people. My grades went up, I went back to my textile art hobbies, got more instered in cinema (although I didn't study), but I truly don't feel like I did things. I allowed myself to relax and be happy, but ended up more complexed regarding my personality. I love my boyfriend more than anything, and sometimes it's hard to separate myself from him and enjoy spending time with myself (I never really liked to do this at all). 

Unfortunately I think I'll just list stuff that I was unsatisfied with in 2023:

• I didn't read enough books, or academic stuff in general. Barely managed to get enjoyment out of that.
• Didn't watch enough movies as well.
• Ate way more junkfood that I should have, and that came with a lot more takeout related expenses.
• Grew apart from some of my friends.
• Stopped exercising at all. 
• Spent way too much time scrolling twitter and instagram.
• Compared myself to my boyfriend's friends to an excessive degree.

Some things I'm proud of:

• Got my first serious job, even though I didn't last long in it I'm still happy with what I learned.
• Put myself out of my comfort zones sometimes.
• Went back to therapy.
• Allowed myself to have hobbies without putting too much pressure on myself or getting frustrated.
• Started to take university a bit more seriously.

Now for 2024... To be honest I want to challenge myself more. I'm too comfortable to stay where I am, and scared of trying and failing. I need to study more, and be able to enjoy growing personally in that way for myself, not to impress anyone else. I want to find joy again in reading and learning, and grow to become a more curious person. I want to focus and have some real creative projects, make tapestry and see if I can expose it somewhere for a day. I need to try to start my research project, firstly decide what I want to research this month and then actually go through with it, I absolutely cannot give up on this without trying or I'll be crushed. I want to make some new friends, and go back to track & field. Take more photos with my analog camera.

Lately it's been so hard to feel that I exist as a person in the world. I want to be present, and I want people to know me and I want to know them. AND NOT BE ON THAT PHONE!!!!

Love you guys, if you see this.